We don't live here

When I arrived on Friday I could see she was exhausted. The spouse of someone with Dementia is usually getting up in years themselves. This is so hard, even for younger people to deal with.

I brought them a deli chicken, but she wanted leftover prime rib sandwiches. We saved the chicken for dinner.

It was an uncharacteristically warm day for this time of year. After lunch, Don went into the family room as if to sit down, but he was actually planning his escape. Ella went into her office to do some bill paying, and I started on the house work. But I got this "feeling" and went looking for Don. He wasn't in the family room. I went to all the rooms of the house - and then stuck my head out the back door. There he was, getting ready to start raking up debris in the yard. He looked guilty. "I was hoping you wouldn't see me" he said with a little smile. By this time Ella had appeared behind me, but I didn't know it. "I've got my eye on you!" I said to Don, and Ella laughed. She looked so tired. I told her I was going to go out and help him in the yard. She sighed and said "I hope you don't mind - I'm going to bed."

Don and I cleaned up the yard, and filled the yard waste container to the top. He wanted to use his saw or chain saw to cut up a particularly large branch, but I suggested that perhaps his grandson might enjoy that job. Thankfully, he agreed. As we looked over the yard and the neighbor's yard, he said "You know, we don't live here."

"Oh?"

"The city. The City of Bothell. I don't know how they did it. But while I was in the hospital they moved this house, and that house" he gestured toward the neighbor's house. He starts in on this from time to time. He hasn't talked about the house moving for a long while - at least not to me. The subject really agitates him, and he gets fixated on it. He really wants to know how they moved those houses, and why. But I said "Even though you don't live here, you're sure doing a great job keeping this yard looking amazing." He liked that.

When we had joined forces to pull the recycle bin up to the space beside the garage, I said "Are you done in, or are you up for a walk?" He was very happily up for a walk. Since we were just fresh off the house moving subject, I asked him to take a look at the house's foundation. "Does it look okay to you?" I asked. "It looks great!" he said.

The confusion continued, though, and he was still very upset about not being where he was supposed to be, and why he was in this house. It got to the point where I could not think of anything to say to distract or calm him, so I took him by the arm and I asked "Do you feel safe here?"
"Yes", he said, thoughtfully.
"Are you comfortable here?"
"Yes."
"And you have Ella with you here."
"Yes."
"Then - is there anything else more important than that?"
Pause
"No."
The relief on his face was very rewarding. We took our walk. I'll talk about that next time.

Just want family caregivers to know a couple of things. One - take a break. Let the hired caregiver take over for you sometimes. Two - sometimes you can't win an argument (shouldn't actually argue) or solve an issue. Go to the heart of the matter in that case. Make sure your loved one feels safe, secure, and comfortable. Those things are the most important.