The Present

I arrived on Tuesday to find the house unusually busy. I was greeted by the little dog that belongs to their daughter. The eldest son was there, and a visiting home nurse was on the way. I had NO idea what was in store for me. I really never do...

Eldest son, Don Jr, felt a need to vent. I, of course, was conveniently located in the kitchen and had an invisible sign that said "Vent Here". So, now I know the rest of the story! But back up a bit. Don and Don Jr were seated in the family room when I first got there, and I could hear a lively conversation. It seemed centered around the place where Don Sr had grown up. It was good to hear him so happy. I had a quick briefing with Ella, and dove into my "PLEASE DO" list right away. See - that's still bugging me. When the visiting nurse arrived is when Don Jr found me in the kitchen and gave me the condensed version of their history.

Why does this look exactly like my house?

Don is growing more confused. Usually I get a good hour or two of lucid from him, but not today. His mind is slipping away so quickly it's alarming.

I arrived at the usual time, 12:30, and I had a real treat for the two of them. I could hardly wait to show them what I'd made. I had freshly  made bread dough, and had formed little "roses" around a chicken and broccoli filling I created. These were baked, and looked and smelled SO delicious. Ella was delighted!

Then she showed me "the note". Not just one - there was the "duty" note, and the "food" note. Seems there's been a family discussion. I already do absolutely everything on the to-do list, so that felt a little strange to see it all block printed like that. And the food list - well - let's just say they must not be happy with me creating healthful recipes from fresh ingredients. I now get to use ham, make fried cube steaks, use boxed seasoning mixes, and premade baking mix. This came as quite a shock. I'll work around it.

First on the list was taking Don out for a walk, which I did very happily. Usually he has been very "with it" when we're outside. Today this was not true. The first thing he said was "How did they do that?" as he looked at the garage, confused. "That looks exactly like my house. In fact .... this whole thing. It looks like my house. How did they do that?"

"Interesting" I said. "I don't know how they did that. Let's walk up here." We took a really great walk, and midway through he started naming the neighbors and telling me stories of the past, all of which sounded plausible. He was pretty steady on his feet, although he gave me a few scares as he walked on the uneven edge of the pavement. There are no sidewalks there. Thankfully, it's a set of super quiet streets. When we got back around by his house, he started in on another topic that became a fixation for the rest of the day. "What I want to know is - how did they move this house here from where it was?" You just have to go with the flow when this starts, and I told him that moving homes isn't that uncommon. In fact, I told him about the church in Waterville that one day rolled down the street in front of our house. "People move houses all the time!" I said. We don't have to know how, fortunately. That's not my line of work. Is that your line of work?"
"No" he admitted.
This subject came up over and over today. He said "Ella keeps trying to tell me they haven't moved the house, but I know they did. I don't know why she says that."

We came back to the house for lunch. I had put the little rolls into the oven to stay nice and warm while we walked. I served these with raw vegetables. Don ended up eating three! I love hearing the "mmmmm" sounds while they enjoy lunch.

Ella informed Don that his son, Don Jr, had called earlier. "Did you ask him how my mother is?" Don asked her. I could see this question threw Ella - so I piped up and said "Sometimes it helps to make notes of what you want to ask people when they call." This new normal is not coming easily to Ella.

Later, not long before I left for the day, Don pulled me aside and said very quietly "Are you one of those people who knows a lot about a lot of things?"
"I like to think I am!" I said and smiled.
"Well, I'd sure like to know how they moved that house down there from across the street. I was sick for one week, and when I came back it was moved. I know they moved it."
"Tell ya what" I said to him. "If I want to know anything, I look it up on the Internet. I'll go home and look that up on the Internet, and I'll print whatever I find and bring it to you. How does that sound?"
Well, that sounded just fine to him, and the questions stopped. Somehow that relieved him. I didn't argue, I just said I'd look it up.
When Ella came back into the room, Don told her "I went for a walk earlier, and a nice lady stayed real close. She was wearing a green sweater." Ella smiled and said, "Well, there's a lady here who is still close and she's in a green sweater!"

If you have a loved one who is losing themselves to Dementia, there are some basic conversation ground rules that will make their lives less scary. Don't argue or correct them. If they ask about something like their mother, or father, or home, get them to talk to you about that. "Sounds like you really love your mother. Tell me about her." Remember, and this is super important, if you helpfully inform them that their mother is dead, it's the first time they've ever heard this information. You will succeed in being right, and in devastating them. My advice is - don't do that. Walk in their reality. Get used to the new normal.

Housekeeping?

I'm a Care Giver. That means I give care. I assist with daily activities that aren't so easy anymore. I monitor for changes in appetite, mental activity, and physical ability. I prepare meals, and do light housework as needed.

Or.... I get to be a housekeeper. Here's the note I found today. I started to be a little grouchy, but I figured that soon enough my true caregiving skills will be needed and they'll have to find someone else to do the "Please Do" list.

I'm not too proud to work - that's not the point. But, wow. This is a "venting" blog, and the real story will be next.

Would you like a little lunch?

That's an appropriate question when you're caring for someone who is thinking clearly. And, in the case of most elderly people, a "little" is about what they will be able to have for lunch. If the person has Dementia, your question will be phrased more like "I've made a little lunch. I would love to have you join me!" as you lead them to the table.

Here are some "little lunch" ideas

• Mix shredded cheese, mild salsa, and a little sour cream or yogurt. Open nitrate and nitrite-free slices of lunch meat, and spread some of this filling on each. Roll, and slice into 1 inch pieces. Arrange on a plate with lightly steamed or raw vegetable pieces between. If there are no digestive issues, this can be served with crackers
• Lightly steam broccoli, carrots, and green beans. Chill, or serve room temperature. Serve on a small plate with hummus for dipping. Arrange the veggies in a circle around a custard dish full of hummus. The prettier the better. 
• Spread organic, creamy peanut butter mixed with a little honey or applesauce and cinnamon on whole wheat toast. Top with second slice of toast, and cut into 1" squares. Serve with tea.
• Slice cucumber into rounds, and top each round with a little mound of tuna salad. Arrange in a flower design.
• Roughly dice cooked chicken and mix with a little mayonnaise or plain yogurt, diced onion, celery, carrot, and cucumber, and serve on a bed of greens. 
• Make open faced cheese sandwiches and grill, cutting into triangles. Serve with a small bowl of tomato soup, if senior is able to easily eat soup without spilling. If spilling is an issue, serve in a small mug with a large handle. The triangles of cheese sandwich are nice, dipped into the soup. Make this fun. 
• Slice carrots, celery, cucumber, etc and serve with a bowl of peanut butter for dipping. Alternatively you can use apple slices. 
• Deviled eggs with pickles and olives, served with a green smoothie. 

One of the main things to keep in mind is that you will want to preserve dignity in every situation. Always serve food that's easy for the senior to eat, and cut into small pieces in the KITCHEN rather than in front of them. I always serve each plate, mine included, pre-cut. They are not children. 

Check out yesterday's blog post if you have concerns about being able to afford to stay home caring for your elderly loved one. 

How Do I Get Paid for Caregiving?

At least once a day I hear a version of this question: "Is there a program that may compensate me for lost wages since I cannot leave my parent home alone all day?" 

Very few people can afford to simply walk away from career and paycheck to care for their aging or ailing loved one. The number one question caregivers ask on a family caregiver support forum I frequent is “How do I get paid for caregiving?”

The answer is – you may be able to, and you may not be able to. A good resource to answer that question might be your local Area Agency on Aging. But what if you could get paid very well while caregiving? Read on...

Let The Care Giver Give Care

Ella is very proud, and scared, and feels her life is spiraling out of control. She's losing Don at a rate far too fast - she's not finding it easy to adjust. Yesterday when I said "He's losing himself" she burst into tears. She told me that he had been unable, that morning, to hold a conversation. He was sleeping when I arrived at 12:30. She filled me in on the decline since my last visit, the previous week.

She got him up at about 1:30, to have a little lunch. As always, he greeted me with a huge smile. Confused about what was happening, he gestured toward his chair and lunch plate and invited me to sit. I took his arm and said "You're the King today - YOU get to sit!" I tell him he's the king, every shift. I know that, although Dementia will soon not allow him to remember that I say that, he will remember the feeling between us when he hears it. I think of it as sort of a hypnosis thing. I'm so funny - I have my own theories. I figure terms with which we joke and laugh now will bring joy to him later, when he is no longer able to remember we've had the conversation before. I don't have science for this, just experience. I always tell him he's the king. "The king sits in THIS chair and puts his feet up while I vacuum!" That sort of thing.

She had to run to the clinic to pick up a letter the doctor had written for Don. I thought this would be a good chance for me to interact with him and get him communicating and also get him used to having a Care Giver be his companion. The need for this is critical. Suddenly panic crossed Ella's face. "I'll just take Don with me" she said. I wonder if she is worried or threatened about someone else caring for Don. This Care Giver stuff is new to them. But, I just asked if she felt comfortable with his strength getting in and out of the car. She thought it was fine.

Later in the afternoon we discussed his need for fresh air and exercise. She asked if I would accompany him on a walk, as she was absolutely unable to do so. Her hip is hurting more - she's not taking care of herself. So, at about 3:30, Don and I set off on a walk through the neighborhood. I said "You can show me around!" and he said "I don't know this neighborhood". They've lived in that house over 40 years. So I said "Great! We can both explore it! Let's go!" As soon as we stepped outside, though, it was as if the air cleared the fog. He told me how old he was when they moved in, and how old he is now. I laughed and said "I bet you never thought about your children being old enough to collect Social Security when you moved in!" He stopped, looked at me, and just laughed. "Boy, you've got that right!" he said. He was a little unsteady on his feet, but had his really good cane and I was in that hyper-alert mode. We walked out onto the street (no sidewalks) and started talking about the neighbor's houses and yards. Then the school kids began to run up the street. He loves this time of the day. I was surprised to hear him call out to two neighbors by name, who were waiting for kids coming off the bus. One was a grandfather, and the other a father. He conversed appropriately with both of them, and they were both very glad, as they said, to see him "out and about." He was completely lucid for almost the entire walk.

Then he paused and turned to me. "Do you know what Ella's doing?" he asked in a mysterious tone. I answered him with what she was doing right then - "She's at the house shredding old documents."
"I don't mean that - not what she's dong right now. Do you know what else she's doing?"
"No... tell me."
"Well, there's a house we're living in. Not this one over here - the other one. She got that house. She got that. And there were ten or twelve of them, and they were free!"
"Wow, really? She's very clever."
"Hmm. Maybe TOO clever," he said with a nod.
"I do like this neighborhood" I said.
"Yes, I do too."

By then his nose was dripping. I always find it funny that elderly people don't seem to even feel their nose dripping. He and I aren't quite at the point in our relationship that I can grab a tissue and wipe it, so I figured it could just drip. Sometimes on me. And I was thinking how funny it was that this doesn't bother me at all.
"Are you warm enough, Don?"
"NO!"
I laughed. "Well, let's zip up your coat!"
"You can pretend." (I have no idea what that was supposed to mean!)

Coat zipped, we got ourselves back to the house. This included walking up a pretty steep hill!  He was so happy and relaxed from the walk. Ella greeted us and seemed relieved that he was fine. I told her of our good walk and conversation. She understands that he needs this a LOT more than is happening. I see her gears turning as she faces the decision of having more hours of care for Don. "I just never thought it would come to this" she said, when we talked about it.

Don stood happily in front of the gas fireplace, warming up. As I went to give him a hug when I was leaving, I said "WOW! You really are warmed up! I think you're about done!"

I would have to say that, other than having them visibly LOVE eating the food I prepare, hearing them laugh is my favorite part of what I do.

If you're a family Care Giver, please consider letting someone else come and care for your loved one to give you a break, and give them much-needed mental stimulation. Interview, with them, the candidates, and choose someone who interacts well with your loved one. Feel free to say - "Not a good fit, thank you." As professional Care Givers, we, too, appreciate a good fit. It's a delicate job, and very personal. But don't struggle alone. If Ella can allow me to take Don for a walk, you can also allow a trustworthy person to care for your parent, or spouse, or child.

Take a Hike!

Well, a short walk, anyway. The University of California reports that taking  a short walk after each meal may be more effective in controlling blood sugar in people with prediabetes, than taking one long walk each day. Since a short walk is easier for your elderly loved one, anyway, give this a try! Just a little, 15-minute walk after breakfast, lunch, and dinner will go a long way in enhancing your elder's health.

Do they use a walker? As their caregiver, watch the way they're walking with that walker. Do they look down at their feet, or the path ahead? Point out interesting sights that require they straighten up and lift their torso and head. "Look at the huge crow in that tree, Dad!" is received far better than 'My gosh, Dad! Stand up straight!"


If your elderly loved one has recently suffered a stroke, you probably have some physical therapy exercises which have been prescribed. The after-meal walk may be a good time to work a few of those in! Find a stable surface such as a picnic table or retaining wall that's at the correct height. Look at page 57 of this guide for two easy exercises they may try, if approved by their health care provider. Doing these while on a walk will probably be much more pleasant than doing them in the home. Do the exercises with your loved one, unless you need to provide support, such as keeping a grip on a gait belt.

Why you should help your elderly loved ones go nuts

Walnuts, I mean.

If you're looking for something to have around for your elderly loved one to snack on that requires no preparation and is easy to grab, think of going nuts.

I've got other healthy snack and meal ideas for you, but I was reading this today and thought I'd pass it along. Here's the source: Science Daily 

The article states: "Years of research by scientists around the world link regular consumption of small amounts of nuts or peanut butter with decreased risk of heart disease, certain kinds of cancer, gallstones, Type 2 diabetes, and other health problems."

A serving, however, is about 7 walnuts. Not 7 dozen. Try offering 2-3 walnut halves with a mug of tea for an afternoon treat. Herbal tea, maybe with a little honey and/or lemon, will assist in hydration as well. 

Vascular Dementia

That's the name they have put on Don, to explain what's going on in his brain. Here is the information I have been reading.   This diagnosis hit Ella hard.

When I arrived today she was in her PJ's and robe, which is absolutely unlike her. She didn't want lunch. She was almost snippy with me, which is also very much not like her. I think the stress of this situation is breaking her down as quickly as Don is failing.

Don, however, was quite cheery and happy to see me. He had just had a shower, and was looking fresh and bright sitting in his recliner. We chatted for a while and he was very lucid. Ella seemed to want to fuss about this, which was strange. She showed me what she wanted me to do today. It was 100% housework. I'm not a housekeeper. I'm a caregiver. But the normally very neat house was a disaster, and I was to correct that. There were beds to strip and re-do, kitchen cabinets to scrub inside and re-organize, vacuuming, dusting, floor care, laundry, ironing, and garbage and recycle, as well as cleaning both bathrooms. The whole house, in other words. We've got to have a talk!

I got it done, and had a little time to interact with Don. Ella is SO stressed out, that I think she panics him. She speaks quickly, and in staccato tones, rapid-fire. I think this overwhelms him. At every opportunity, Ella reminded me that Don was "not good". I want to correct her, and say this doesn't have to be so hard. She can relax.

It's true that Don requires constant supervision now. As soon as I arrived, he stood up and said that he wanted to go and get the lawn mower. I told him that, thankfully, the cold weather has slowed the growth of the lawn so he gets a break! "I need a break" he replied. True words, Don. We talked about the bird feeder, the aggressive Stellar's Jays, and how birdseed sprouts, before Ella interrupted us and made me go to work being a housekeeper.

Don has started to pace, nervously. He looks out the window, but doesn't know what he's looking for. If I were free to be the caregiver that I am, I would walk with him, and we would talk about what is out there.

When I was done with my huge list of "to do", I told Don I would be getting out of his hair now. He remembered that I had a lot of people coming for dinner on Thanksgiving, and commented on that. Then he said, unexpectedly, "Have you got a minute?"
"Sure, Don. What's up?"
"I'm supposed to give you something."
We walked into the mudroom, where their freezer is. He opened it and got out a little plastic dish of applesauce, that said "October, 2013". He smiled as he handed it to me. I thanked him profusely. This was very special.

Hugs all around, and then as I was walking toward the door Ella said "You know that's probably the last applesauce he will ever make." Yes.... wow. I almost didn't want to take it. But this tall, handsome, soft-spoken man offered me what he had to offer. Applesauce. We'll enjoy it during Thanksgiving, and think of him.
"Bye bye!" he called cheerfully. "Have a great Thanksgiving!"

I really think that those with this type of Dementia respond to stress by being confused. But I'm not a scientist. Just a caregiver. And, evidently, a housekeeper.

The phone call

My phone rang this evening. It was Ella.

As cheerfully as she could, she explained that the two daughters have made so much food for them in the last few days, that I will not have to prepare lunch or dinner tomorrow. She gave me the heads up because I often stop and bring them something, or make something at home for them.

He had his brain scan.

It's not good news. He has a very rapidly progressing Dementia. Of course it was suspected, but now they have this diagnosis to hang on it. Does it change things? No. But it answers the question.

"Do you still want me to come tomorrow?" I asked her.

"YES!" she said. Oh, joy, I get to deep clean.... woo. But I'm looking forward to the day, anyway. It will be a shorter day than usual.

Come and tell me goodbye...

I'm sure she told him that it was Friday, which would mean that "Ruth is coming today." I was greeted very happily by both of them.

There was a list ready, of things they wanted me to do. One of the daughters was there, and I got the feeling that family was going to be drawing  even closer now. I brought them Chinese food for dinner, and hard boiled eggs from my neighbor, Michael's, chickens. I made them egg salad sandwiches for lunch, and suggested that they sit at the table, as a family, while I started the chores on my list. He, alone, is unaware that I am suggesting this because each day may be the last. The daughter was distracted, making calls to, and waiting for calls back from, the Neurologist. The rapid, rapid decline is alarming. I get that. They would like an answer. Sadly, I don't think they will like the answer they get.

Standing - Not so easy anymore

They're happy for Tuesdays and Fridays. Those are the days I come and spend time at their home, doing chores, cooking, baking, and watching. I watch, and listen, to Don. His decline is alarming. Ella left him for a short time on Tuesday, to attend a funeral. He is no longer comfortable in crowds, as he becomes confused and cannot carry on a conversation. He did stay in the house this time, though.

Ella and I discussed some activities which may help him hang onto memories for a bit longer - like browsing through family photo albums. They did that while I made dinner and did the laundry. I could hear her cheerfully talking about each photo and trying SO HARD not to say "Remember", but failing miserably. It was okay - I could tell he enjoyed the trip down memory lane. It did exhaust him, however, and she encouraged him to go back and take a short nap. I saw her attempting to coach him on how to stand up from the couch. She is still using a cane, and should be using a walker, according to her surgeon, following hip surgery.

I came in and cheerfully said "Oh, this is my department!" I sat down beside him on the couch, and both told, and showed him, how to scoot his bottom up to the edge of the couch to prepare to stand. He cooperated, but was a little bit confused. So I deployed the elbow grabbing method to help him stand. I reach out with my right hand toward their left hand. I grasp behind their elbow and have them grasp behind mine. With him in the correct position, with "nose over toes", we rise without a problem. Stand and get the bearings for a moment...

"I'll just go to the store and buy you some.... whatever it is we're looking for."

They say it's not Alzheimer's. It's some form of Dementia, though, and it's rapidly taking the man everyone knows and admires away. I refuse to let this happen, on my watch, without grace and humor.

Tuesday Ella decided that I should clean the oven racks with oven cleaner, and set the automatic clean cycle on the oven.The only oven cleaner I could find was the super cheap stuff I'd brought from home to clean the gas stove grates. It wasn't working.

"I know you've got 'Easy-Off' here somewhere," I told her. There was that day, a few weeks ago, that Don had applied it to an insect sting or bite. We searched in vain. Don got actively involved in the search. "You brought it up from the shed" I told him. (The word "remember" is stricken from our vocabulary when dealing with any kind of memory issue or Dementia, or Alzheimer's) He decided we should go to the shed, and he showed me the little key house where the keys are kept. Once in the shed, which was wide open and unlocked already, he began searching the shelves. "What does it look like?" he asked. "Blue can - and a lid like a paint can lid" I said. He handed me the Carburetor cleaner. "Hmmm," I said, "if my carburetor has a problem I'll be sure and ask for this!" He laughed, shook his head, and put it back. This was repeated with the oil, some various bug sprays, and garden supplies. I assured him it was not in the shed, but that it was fortunate we came down there, as the door was open and unlocked. He is so unsteady on his feet. As we left the shed he confided in me; "They won't let me work in the yard anymore." I'm telling you - if you want to be a caregiver you may have a heart that's a mile wide, but you can't cry at the wrong time. "I know," I said. "That's a pain, huh?"  He's shuffling now, walking toward the house. "Yes, it's a pain."

"You know what's behind that, though, Don? The real reason they said that to you?"
"No."
"Well - the truth is - they care about you."
"Yes, yes, I know that's true."

We got back in the house and he relentlessly searched high and low for that item. By this time he had completely forgotten what he was looking for, but he was on a mission. All cabinets, shelves, nooks and crannies were searched. Finally he came to me in the kitchen, eyes downcast.

"I just can't find it."
"It's okay, Don - I made do with the cheap stuff. It's totally okay."
"HEY! I'll go to the store and buy some... whatever it is we're looking for... for you!"
I look into his eyes, and say very gently, "Sir, it's absolutely okay. There is no need for you to go and do that for me."

The car keys have been hidden from him for months. He will never drive again, and I know this, but there is no way he knows this.

I wrapped up my work day, ending with preparing them a dinner they'd enjoy together, in private, later.

Sometimes when I'm leaving the house I want to hug him for a long time and take in that spirit. I truly never know when it will be the last time he will remember me, or even the last time he'll be there. Our farewells are always so cheerful, and hopeful. "I"ll see you Friday!" he says, with a big smile.

The apple didn't fall far from the tree, and neither did he...

He's a hard working guy, even after multiple heart attacks and strokes. And even though Dementia is starting to creep in and steal his memory, he becomes very focused on a task that grabs his attention.

One day when I came to their home, I mentioned that the neighbor had a tree just full of apples which I would love to harvest for the horses of a friend of mine. He kept that in mind.

On Friday as I was working in the kitchen, I watched Don working in his back yard. I had this "feeling", and was more vigilant than usual. Suddenly I realized he was not by the shed any more. Remembering the spider bite day, I became concerned. I went out to the yard, and looked everywhere, but he was not there. Then I had this idea... 

The apples.

I looked across the street, and sure enough, there was his red wheelbarrow. But no Don. I literally ran across the street, calling for him. I heard a faint reply, but didn't see anything. My heart sank when I looked behind the tree and saw this proud man, lying on his back, knees bent, legs and arms shaking.



I assessed the situation and determined he most likely had not bumped his head, or hurt his back. I asked "Are you hurt?" to which he replied "No."
"What happened?"
"My legs gave out."
"Are your legs feeling weak now?"
"Yes"

"OK... I can help you, but you'll have to trust me."

I helped him into a kneeling position, and then we used the tree to get him onto his feet. My arm securely around him, we walked slowly across the street back to the house. Once there, I helped him off with his shoes in the mud room, and then off with his wet sweater. I guided him to the recliner, and then asked for a blood pressure cuff. His blood pressure was elevated, but not alarmingly so. After recovering in the chair for a time, he tottered off to the bedroom for a nap.

He told me I had saved him. He told me that several times.

When I called to check on him the next day, he said "I'm doing fine, now that you got me out of the woods!"

I do love what I do.

The key, in these situations, is not to panic. DO NOT PANIC. Your panic creates panic. Speak in low tones, and slowly. Guide with your hands while you speak, because there will be confusion. Make absolutely sure that there is no spinal injury before attempting to move a person. Also ask if they feel strong enough to stand. To help an elderly person back to their feet, starting on hands and knees works best. Find a secure place for them to hang onto, to help pull themselves to stand. A chair works best, unless you're outside under an apple tree! Because of Don's confusion, I had to demonstrate the hands and knees position for him to understand. He also stated that he was fine to walk across the street by himself, without me holding on to him. I told him that I was NOT letting go - it was against my religion! This made him laugh. Always keep the situation light to lessen embarrassment. He felt as if I had helped many, many people who had fallen before, by the time we were done. This was a good thing. I know we bonded that day. 

The Spider Bite and Miracle Sponge

Don is driven to work in his immaculate yard. He is a bit weaker than he was before the stroke, but he's always puttering around in the yard.  The other day, while in the shed, he put on a pair of gloves that evidently had become a spider's home. He was bitten. He didn't say anything at the time, but he told his wife that it had happened, as he came up for lunch. He was quick to add "I found something to put on it." She became greatly concerned. "What did you put on it, honey?" She asked him numerous times, but he could not bring to his mind what it was.

Finally he went back to the shed to bring back what he had put on his bite and show it to us. To Ella's horror he was carrying a can of Easy Off oven cleaner.She reacted rather vocally to this, but he was confused as to what the fuss was about. He brought the can to her and started to read it for her. "You see," he said, "it says right here that it is SAFE for..... self-cleaning ovens." He trailed off and looked sheepish. "Honey," she said, "YOU are not a self-cleaning oven!" He did have a point, though. The bite looked a lot better.

Fast forward to near the end of my shift when I was wrapping things up for the day. I had used a 'Magic Eraser' on the old counters in their kitchen around the gas range top. It took off layers of years and years of accumulated residue and the counter tops looked brand new. I brought Don into the kitchen to show him. He was SO impressed. He asked me to show him what I used. When I did, this is what he said:
"Well! If you ever get a spider bite...."  And we both had a great and hearty laugh.

"She's on my side"

Ella was gone when I arrived yesterday. Don informed me that she hadn't been feeling well the past few days, but yesterday felt well enough to go to the high school. The... high school? I wondered about this, but did not ask. I was thinking maybe a grandchild was still in high school, but I thought all the grand kids were of collage age or higher. As he gestured at his own hair, and mentioned that she felt the need for a new hair style, I realized he meant that she had gone to the salon.

We went back so he could show me the trouble with the sheets and pillow cases. You'll recall the note he left on September 13th. He had stripped the bed, and the linens were piled at the end of the mattress, with the bloody spots exposed. Yes, I agreed that they were very bad. Then he said "You'll have to help me out. Ella said something about that blanket (he gestures toward a comforter on the floor), but I forgot what she said.
"I have a feeling she wants it under your coverlet, as the air has gotten much more chilly since I made the bed last time."
"Oh! Thank you! I'm sure you're right. It has been colder."

Later, when Ella was home and the two of them were having lunch, he suddenly said to her "She's on my side about the bed making!"

Ella looked at me, and I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. He was SO triumphant.

If Dementia is stealing away the person you love, handling it like Ella is doing is making the best of a bad situation. She never makes Don feel like less of a man, or less of a person. We both just agreed that I was on his side, and I whispered to her later that I was going to add the comforter to the bed.

As I said before; they're not used to having help in their home. A couple of hours later, Don emerged from the bedroom and said "I went back to see if I could help you with the bed, and it was already made!"

I'm interrupting you....

I was busy cutting up vegetables and getting things ready for the evening meal. Don came into the kitchen with something very specific to say. Problem was; the words eluded him completely. He shook his head - he is still so handsome and is so soft spoken. "I'm interrupting you" he said sadly.
"No!" I shook my head. "I love talking with you!"
"You need to talk to someone who knows what they're talking about."

He left the kitchen.

Words fail the mind that has been assaulted by Dementia. The person is in there, but gets a little bit lost from time to time. Stress about it makes it worse.

If your loved one is exhibiting this kind of behavior, be very calm, matter of fact, and patient. I always just smile, touch an arm and say "Memory is a funny thing. Sometimes the words just refuse to come." And then drop it. Talk about something else.

Bloody Noses and Dirty Linens

Ella has been suffering with bloody noses lately. Her doctor says it's a combination of a few things, including high blood pressure, dry interior of her nose, and dehydration. I can help with the latter two.

Don is very concerned. I get the idea that they have always kept an immaculate home. One day I arrived to the above note. (I have whited out the actual name, as I keep my clients' names confidential.)

Ella tenderly showed me the note, and said it was special because Don never writes anything, anymore. What he was asking was for help getting the blood stains out of the fabric.

Yesterday I showed Don what happens when you pour hydrogen peroxide onto the blood stains. He was very amused and impressed.

Flashlight?

I'm preparing meals ahead for Don and Ella. She is unable to stand for long periods of time, so this is a great help for them. At the same time, I've got a load of laundry going. In walks Don, slowly, holding a lit flashlight in his hand.

"Will you be needing this in the next few minutes?" he asks.
I stop and look at him, thoughtfully. "I don't believe so... I'm sure I'll be fine" I reply.
"Ok, good. I"m going out to the.... the.... car place."
"The garage?"
"Yes!"
"Okay - see you soon."

Flashlight. I really wanted to follow him out there and see what he was going to do with it. One day soon I fear I will have to follow. Not yet.

The Don and Ella Chronicles

Don is a quiet man; an elegant man. He carries himself with the demeanor fitting for a respected educator, and mentor. He is married to a gracious woman, Ella, who is still beautiful. Don has suffered multiple heart attacks, and strokes. Ella has had hip surgery, and recovery is slow to happen. An in-home caregiver is not something they are used to. We're becoming comfortable with each other. Don knows his mind is slipping, and I am seeing this progress at an alarming rate. All of the warning signs for Dementia are present.  Ella finds it hard to just relax so she can heal. I will be sharing their stories here - as I am honored to share the sunset with them.