Brave Face

She's asleep when I arrive. I am not surprised by this, because it's only 10:00 AM.

I let myself in and get to work on the list. To her, the list seemed overwhelming. Roast marrow bones in preparation for making bone broth. Start broth simmering, with chicken and turkey carcasses. Simmer chicken hearts with onion and bay leaf. Empty dishwasher. Fold clean laundry. Change kitty litter. It's now 10:45 and she is up, and very surprised.

She greets me with a smile. It's a brave smile, and the left side of her mouth raises just a bit higher than the right. Her eyes are sunken, and rimmed with red. She's so thin it hurts my heart. But she says, in her very soft voice, "I could smell onions when I woke up, so I knew Ruth was here." She's beautiful. Still.

This is her first day of having an in home care giver. For a couple of years all I've done is transport her to and from doctors' appointments, and various errands. I love this woman, and desire to simply be her friend. I do not want to be her care giver, and yet it's my honor that she has asked. What I want is to meet her for coffee, or a walk in the park, or to go shopping.

The pain behind her brave face was put there by Lyme Disease. She's only learned this recently. For years she has battled symptoms which have been attributed to many things. She has endured rounds of antibiotics, surgeries, and treatment from multiple health care providers. Her system has become so delicate that there are few things she can eat anymore, and her weight loss is shocking. Typical of a chronic Lyme Disease sufferer, she has weakness, pain, headaches, and severe fatigue.  Now, at a few years younger than I am, she gets to experience the world of having an in-home caregiver. Some daily tasks are now just too much.

What will always make me sad is how long it took her family to realize she was in need of their support and help. 

Lying on the little couch, she receives a very non-professional massage from me. Just to get some blood flow. Just to provide a little pressure to relieve the pain. It's difficult to find tissue to massage, as the persistent illness has all but consumed her.

At the end of my time there, the garbage is out and all is in order. We will be going to a specialist on Friday. I am holding out enough hope for both of us, that an answer will be found.

She hugs me goodbye, again with that brave face and smile. She looks like someone deeply involved in the fight of her life. And she is.