My Last Outing With The Colonel, Part Three

Ralph's willingness to accompany me into the store was huge, because there had been days it had taken me more than five minutes just to wake him up to take medication during the day, and he had been too weak to brush his own teeth. He was uninterested in all of the routines of life, and found little pleasure in anything. That's why I was so surprised and pleased when he agreed to get on an electric cart and go into the store with me. 

A very nice young man assisted me by bringing the electric cart to the car. I think he was curious to see this 90-year-old man I said was waiting for us. We parked the cart right by his door, and out stepped Ralph, gingerly making his way onto the electric shopping cart. His assistant gave him a quick driving instruction, and off we went. He would zip back and then stop suddenly, adjust, zip forward and stop suddenly, and shout "HELLO!" if he saw anyone within 20 feet of him, on any side. Oh my goodness - this was going to be good.

Fresh fruit and vegetables; our first stop. Lurch, lurch, slam. "What are we doing?"

"Buying fruit, Ralph. What would you like?"

Zip, lurch, slam. "I want some grapefruit. Pick out 4 or 5 nice ones."

Bananas, onions, celery, potatoes... he selected each with delight. Lurch, lurch, slam "HELLOOOOOOO!"  "Honey, I want Instant Breakfast." "Yes, Ralph, we'll get there."

Meat was next. A huge "SALE" sign caught his eye, and he decided they had to have popcorn chicken. Popcorn chicken? Seriously? Ha ha. Okay. One bag. Now on to the steak. "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" (two other customers in the meat department) Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip SLAM. Almost hit me. 

The patient man working in the fish department explained the price difference between the shrimp with tails on, and without tails on. He also helped find the bacon, although I had already shown Ralph where that was. Ralph absolutely loves help. "Beeeep Beeep Beeeeep" as he backs up toward the bacon and away from the shrimp. Lurch  - SLAM. 

OK. Now what? Ah, yes, cheese and milk and eggs...  Ralph is anxious now, and feeling a little agitated about where things are. I, however, am having an amazing and amusing time. We are quite the sight, and I'm not unaware of this. I laugh a lot, and in the paper goods aisle, Ralph smiles up at me and says "Give me a kiss, honey."

As we go, Ralph's basket is getting more and more full. Soon he can't really see over the top of everything. SMACK! He hit the empty cart squarely, and it went flying up the aisle, coming to rest against a display. The crowd parts to watch. He shouts at me "HONEY! You have to clear the way for me!" Then, to the other customers 'HELLO! Coming through!"  We get not one or two, but 8 large rolls of paper towels. An industrial pack of napkins. Laundry soap, two kinds of bread, donuts, Instant Breakfast, milk, cheese... and then, as suddenly as we started, he was simply done.  Racing toward the checkout, he collided with a hanging display along the refrigerated section and dragged it 15 feet or so. This was my fault for overloading his cart. I was having a blast, and he was just determined. The irony of a retired USAF pilot driving this motorized cart didn't escape me. We lurched and slammed our way to the check out. He was sure, because he was in fact THE COLONEL, they'd let him go in the Express lane. Not so, Sir! She apologized, but just didn't have room for the cart full of groceries.

Eventually we ended up with two young men, a full shopping cart, and Ralph on the scooter, out at our car. The young men loaded the car, then assisted getting the cart near the car, and stood by to help Ralph into his seat. He ate this attention up like a Celebrity. As we started to leave, he told me that we needed to hurry home so he could "tee tee". To appreciate how funny this sounds, you'd have to hear it in person. I patted his hand and thanked him for the best adventure I'd had all week. It was now quarter after 7pm. Yes - two and a half hours since we left the condo. I was very worried about Martha, but I had called her twice with updates and I knew she was delighted that Ralph was out and about having an adventure.

One thing that is markedly different since he has hit his decline, is that he rarely laughs anymore. He did smile, though, as we came through the condo door to hurry to the potty. Ralph and Martha called their "HELLOs" to each other, we got him all fixed up, and then back in the wonderful lift chair. We re-counted our adventures after I'd returned to the car to get all the groceries and supplies out and back upstairs. It's a 5-story building, and the process of bringing loads up is interesting. You take the elevator to the 1st floor, which is under ground, and use a shopping cart to load up the stuff and bring it up in the elevator, to your destination. You actually bring the shopping cart right in the condo. It is hard to get used to. But it is efficient!

Ralph was never again strong enough. In four short weeks, Ralph was gone. I will forever treasure my memory of this man, handsome right until the very end, maneuvering his electric cart through Safeway, shouting a warning to anyone within ear shot.