Grieving

Long before Ralph died, and even long before it was very evident he was dying, he began to grieve.  Yes, you read that right; HE began to grieve.

I only wish I had understood that during the time it was happening. Let me give you a little idea of what his caregivers experienced:

• Control freak. Ralph ordered everyone around as if they were on this earth to serve his every whim - no matter how ridiculous. "Turn the plant 1/4 inch to the left. Get me fresh water. Hand me a tissue."    
• Night-time exercise. 3:00am he's up doing arm circles and leg lifts. No, I'm not kidding. Up 2 - 6 times for at least an hour at a time. Expecting the caregiver to be cheerful.
• Irrational crying bouts. 
• Demanding to speak to family members at all hours of the day or night.
• Repetitive behavior like folding and re-folding facial tissue, and capping and uncapping bottled water. At 2am.
• Complaining about people coming to visit
• Separating himself from conversation

Now I understand. After Ralph died, Evergreen Hospice  conducted a wonderful training, which I attended. Oh, NOW you tell me!  

Ralph was grieving the impending lose of Ralph. He was grieving the loss of bladder control. he was grieving the loss of his relationship with his wife and kids. He was grieving the loss of independence. He was deeply grieving the loss of his battle with cancer. He thought everyone had given up on him. 

Sometimes he would grab my hand and clutch it, hard, and look into my eyes and plead "I need you not to give up on me, honey".  At the time, living with him was so rough, it was easy to think of giving up. It was literally about 8 weeks between Ralph becoming impossible, to Ralph dying. I could have weathered those 8 weeks just fine, if only I had known. Now you know.  
Later I will tell you the story of watching Ralph end his time here on earth.