Let The Care Giver Give Care

Ella is very proud, and scared, and feels her life is spiraling out of control. She's losing Don at a rate far too fast - she's not finding it easy to adjust. Yesterday when I said "He's losing himself" she burst into tears. She told me that he had been unable, that morning, to hold a conversation. He was sleeping when I arrived at 12:30. She filled me in on the decline since my last visit, the previous week.

She got him up at about 1:30, to have a little lunch. As always, he greeted me with a huge smile. Confused about what was happening, he gestured toward his chair and lunch plate and invited me to sit. I took his arm and said "You're the King today - YOU get to sit!" I tell him he's the king, every shift. I know that, although Dementia will soon not allow him to remember that I say that, he will remember the feeling between us when he hears it. I think of it as sort of a hypnosis thing. I'm so funny - I have my own theories. I figure terms with which we joke and laugh now will bring joy to him later, when he is no longer able to remember we've had the conversation before. I don't have science for this, just experience. I always tell him he's the king. "The king sits in THIS chair and puts his feet up while I vacuum!" That sort of thing.

She had to run to the clinic to pick up a letter the doctor had written for Don. I thought this would be a good chance for me to interact with him and get him communicating and also get him used to having a Care Giver be his companion. The need for this is critical. Suddenly panic crossed Ella's face. "I'll just take Don with me" she said. I wonder if she is worried or threatened about someone else caring for Don. This Care Giver stuff is new to them. But, I just asked if she felt comfortable with his strength getting in and out of the car. She thought it was fine.

Later in the afternoon we discussed his need for fresh air and exercise. She asked if I would accompany him on a walk, as she was absolutely unable to do so. Her hip is hurting more - she's not taking care of herself. So, at about 3:30, Don and I set off on a walk through the neighborhood. I said "You can show me around!" and he said "I don't know this neighborhood". They've lived in that house over 40 years. So I said "Great! We can both explore it! Let's go!" As soon as we stepped outside, though, it was as if the air cleared the fog. He told me how old he was when they moved in, and how old he is now. I laughed and said "I bet you never thought about your children being old enough to collect Social Security when you moved in!" He stopped, looked at me, and just laughed. "Boy, you've got that right!" he said. He was a little unsteady on his feet, but had his really good cane and I was in that hyper-alert mode. We walked out onto the street (no sidewalks) and started talking about the neighbor's houses and yards. Then the school kids began to run up the street. He loves this time of the day. I was surprised to hear him call out to two neighbors by name, who were waiting for kids coming off the bus. One was a grandfather, and the other a father. He conversed appropriately with both of them, and they were both very glad, as they said, to see him "out and about." He was completely lucid for almost the entire walk.

Then he paused and turned to me. "Do you know what Ella's doing?" he asked in a mysterious tone. I answered him with what she was doing right then - "She's at the house shredding old documents."
"I don't mean that - not what she's dong right now. Do you know what else she's doing?"
"No... tell me."
"Well, there's a house we're living in. Not this one over here - the other one. She got that house. She got that. And there were ten or twelve of them, and they were free!"
"Wow, really? She's very clever."
"Hmm. Maybe TOO clever," he said with a nod.
"I do like this neighborhood" I said.
"Yes, I do too."

By then his nose was dripping. I always find it funny that elderly people don't seem to even feel their nose dripping. He and I aren't quite at the point in our relationship that I can grab a tissue and wipe it, so I figured it could just drip. Sometimes on me. And I was thinking how funny it was that this doesn't bother me at all.
"Are you warm enough, Don?"
"NO!"
I laughed. "Well, let's zip up your coat!"
"You can pretend." (I have no idea what that was supposed to mean!)

Coat zipped, we got ourselves back to the house. This included walking up a pretty steep hill!  He was so happy and relaxed from the walk. Ella greeted us and seemed relieved that he was fine. I told her of our good walk and conversation. She understands that he needs this a LOT more than is happening. I see her gears turning as she faces the decision of having more hours of care for Don. "I just never thought it would come to this" she said, when we talked about it.

Don stood happily in front of the gas fireplace, warming up. As I went to give him a hug when I was leaving, I said "WOW! You really are warmed up! I think you're about done!"

I would have to say that, other than having them visibly LOVE eating the food I prepare, hearing them laugh is my favorite part of what I do.

If you're a family Care Giver, please consider letting someone else come and care for your loved one to give you a break, and give them much-needed mental stimulation. Interview, with them, the candidates, and choose someone who interacts well with your loved one. Feel free to say - "Not a good fit, thank you." As professional Care Givers, we, too, appreciate a good fit. It's a delicate job, and very personal. But don't struggle alone. If Ella can allow me to take Don for a walk, you can also allow a trustworthy person to care for your parent, or spouse, or child.