Visiting Elderly Relatives During the Holiday Season

This is the time of year many distant family members travel to see Mom or Dad, or a Grandparent. Maybe you haven't seen them for a while. You don't know the condition of their mind, and you are a bit nervous about what to say to them. Let me help you. She's still your mom. She's just different. She may have Dementia, and may not appear to recognize you. He's still your dad, but he is so unfamiliar to you. How did he become so frail, so small, and so shaky?


When you are getting ready to visit an elderly loved one, it is a good idea to jot down a few conversation topics so you don't end up with "dead air". I will be posting a story, tomorrow, about a botched visit which left my client feeling very depressed.


Make a list. If your elderly family member has Dementia or Alzheimer's, you will want to avoid asking them questions other than "how are you feeling?" or other at-the-moment questions. Here's a list to get you started:

• Your recent activities, as well as those of any children you have. Think about any activities which might stir up good memories of their past.
• Books you are reading. If appropriate, bring one along to discuss with them.
• The day's newspaper. Read headlines and discuss the news. Stick with good news, if possible! It's amazing to me how distraught some clients with Dementia get over stories about things like child abuse.
• Things you enjoyed as a child growing up. I have found that discussions which evoke memories of smells and feelings are very stimulating. For instance; a client of mine was very excited to reminisce about the sheets hung on the clothesline in the back yard.  I could see her relax as she thought about the touch and smell of those clean sheets.
• Things you appreciate about your loved one. This can be a tender moment.. You never know what memories will be sparked by this discussion.

Sit close to the elderly person. Look them directly in the eyes. Hold their hand if you can, at least for part of the time.  Speak clearly, and slowly.


Here is a list of what you should not say:

• "Remember"? It's so tempting to say that - but do your best not to. Just eliminate that from your vocabulary. If they've got Dementia or Alzheimer's, they don't remember. Instead of saying "Remember, Mom? I was here last Thursday." Say "Mom, you had on a pretty pink blouse when I saw you on Thursday. I like this yellow one, too."
• "What did you have for lunch"? (dinner, breakfast, etc.) this can be so distressing. I know you mean well, but... they may have NO idea that they even ate lunch.I've had clients forget within minutes of leaving the table. Instead, you might say "I hear they served one of your favorites, meatloaf, last night. I still think you make the best meatloaf."  
• Any questions which require that they remember anything. Don't ask if they saw the doctor, or your sister or the pastor. Make comments, but don't ask. I watch an elderly person with Dementia appear to search the walls for an answer when asked a question. it scares them that they can't remember.

The last gentle suggestion I have is this: Please talk with your elderly relative, and not in front of them. As tempting as it is to "leave" them and talk to the other person in the room - please don't. Not while you are there visiting them. Be present with them. Talk with them. Look at them. Encourage the oth
er visitor to do the same. The two of you can go get coffee and de-brief later. For now, it's all about this precious person. If you don't really think this matters, be sure to read tomorrow's post. All too soon, you'll be talking about them because they will be gone.